A personal lesson about burnout, boundaries, and putting yourself first

Have you ever felt like you're constantly putting others' needs before your own?

I used to prioritize others' needs over my own, especially when it came to work, family, and friends. But putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s necessary to ensure your own needs are met.

The truth is, when you care for your needs and follow your intuition, you can be a healthier and more authentic version of yourself. You’re also in a better position to be of service to others (which often is what we tell ourselves we’re trying to be, even when we’re entirely depleted).

Today, I want to share a part of my journey with you to help you understand the importance of putting our own well-being ahead of work and others. 

Shedding My Old Patterns

For most of my life, I struggled with a deep-seated belief that others were more important than me. I constantly put their needs, opinions, and desires ahead of my own, believing that by doing so, I was being selfless and kind.

However, this self-sacrificing attitude had a detrimental impact on my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

It especially showed up at work. Partly because I am still untangling a misunderstanding that my work is my worth, and also because that’s where we spend an enormous amount of our time.

Here’s what a typical day used to look like for me:

I would groggily wake up feeling unrested (and get out of bed at the last possible moment before I had to get up for work), usually skip breakfast (or if I did have breakfast, it was just a hit of carbs), consume a pot of coffee to “energize” myself, work non-stop without a break for hours (some days not taking a lunch until 3pm), then scarfing down a snack or being so disconnected that I still didn’t feel hungry in the day, consuming more coffee in the afternoon, rarely drinking water, not moving my body, then have restless evenings try to fall asleep (sometimes it would take 30 mins, other times 3 or 4 hours), and often have a stressful dream about what I forgot that day, didn’t get done, or something more symbolic like my teeth falling out.

I continued this average workday for a long time, probably because my employers rewarded this behaviour, seeing me as a “good worker.” But it came at a high cost to my own well-being.

The more I ignored my body’s messages, the stronger my mind became at reigning over my whole self. My mind is very good at “convincing” myself of what it thinks I need versus the body's more grounded, practical, uncomplicated wisdom.

Eventually, I was disassociating from my body’s messages completely.

A Return to Myself

Part of my burnout journey meant I needed to quit working altogether.

I know that’s not something available to everyone, and in my instance, luck afforded me that opportunity then.

Returning to myself started with realizing that I must also return to the basics. It may sound completely obvious, but I had neglected these basics for way too long.

It took time to get back into these rhythms and routines — and I needed help, which often came from my supportive husband, who was my accountability ally throughout this period.

Prioritizing my physical and basic needs meant:

• Eating regular, nourishing meals—no skipping! For me, this means three meals and some snacks throughout the day.

• Ensuring I got a full 8 hours (or more) of sleep. Plus, improving my sleep hygiene so I could fall asleep faster and more deeply.

• Taking time for daily hygiene, like showering and brushing my teeth (yeah, I know, even this was starting to fall off at my worst).

• Incorporating a regular exercise routine into my schedule. I enjoy yoga, lifting weights at the gym, walking to the seawall or through the neighbourhood, playing soccer and softball.

This list might seem like common sense, but I had long prioritized work over these essentials. I needed to hit the reset button fully and stop working until I had these basics back to overcome my burnout.

Seeking Support and Balance

As I began unpacking and resolving misunderstandings I had about myself, I realized that I couldn't navigate this journey alone. I sought the guidance and expertise of other holistic practitioners, such as seeing a counsellor, naturopath, acupuncture, and massage therapists. These professionals played a crucial role in helping me bring more awareness and balance to my body.

Reconnecting with my physical self opened access to the emotional, spiritual, and mental dimensions of my well-being. (Showing these levels' interconnectedness, as outlined in the holistic guiding principles).

I have deep gratitude for all of the practitioners I worked with, who helped me access areas of myself that had been suffering in silence for so long. This reconnection and interconnection was a revelation I hadn't anticipated, but a valuable insight I gained along the way.

Shifting Priorities

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of this journey was learning to put myself first (and lessons continue to come up from time to time).

This shift was unfamiliar territory for someone who had consistently placed work, family, and friends before personal well-being. It initially felt uncomfortable, almost like breaking a longstanding habit (which I was!).

I had to set boundaries at work that looked like:

• Stopping work at a consistent and set time every day. I was a 9-5’er. No weekends. No evenings. Communicated what an “emergency” truly looked like to be contacted outside of work.

• Removing my work email and apps from my phone. Yep, you heard me. Okay, so I didn’t 100% remove them. For example, my work email was connected to the Gmail app, but was switched to off most of the time. All my work communication app notifications were turned off. If I was at work, and logged on, why did I need to get them on my phone too? If I was eating lunch, why couldn’t the message wait?

• Communicating what was an emergency. Following up on the first bullet, I needed to communicate with my team what constituted an emergency. It was… 1) Is our website 100% down with no other options available to explore 2) Are we unable to accept payment or receive leads because of a major issue. In other words, it came down to the business's bottom line. Not a broken link in a blog post.

• Taking frequent breaks throughout the day. Breaks to nourish myself. That includes food breaks, mental rest breaks, walk breaks, meditation breaks, breathing breaks, social breaks, and play with my cat breaks. All of these things make me a better worker.

• Communicating way less at work. I would say this one was the hardest. Because we are all bombarded with personal and work messages all day long. I know for myself, I am especially sensitive to receiving lots of information in this way. It’s overwhelming for most. It’s so hard to focus. I would put on lengthy “Focus time” status updates, sharing that messages will be delayed while I, well, worked.

All of these boundaries are easier to proclaim than maintain. It's one thing to place a boundary and another to routinely maintain it under various pressures to bend to other people's needs and wishes. And, it can also be challenging at the start to declare your boundaries in a concrete yet kind way. I hear you. It’s not easy, but so essential.

By putting myself first (and honestly acting in service to the company by having a more focused mental space for real work), I acknowledged that my well-being was not something I wanted to compromise any longer.

I learned that prioritizing self-care wasn't selfish; it was a powerful act of self-preservation, self-love, and empowerment.

The Profound Impact

This journey of self-discovery, self-love, and self-care has profoundly impacted my life.

The return to basics, coupled with the guidance of holistic practitioners, allowed me to regain physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional balance. I felt like I was gradually reclaiming the light that had been dimmed for far too long.

I'll admit shifting to this new way of being took time. It wasn't always a "coordinated" effort to put myself first. It was one step in front of me for a while, all in the hopes of getting out of a dark well of burnout, despair, and depression.

In retrospect, I see how my lack of boundaries, prioritization of others' importance, and misunderstanding that work was my worth were all contributing to my pain.

In order to heal, I needed to shift how I was with myself. It couldn't all happen from the outside; I had to make some conscious choices to choose me in my inner realm. This transformation was a process, and it wasn't always smooth or linear. 

As I continued down this new path of being, I began to recognize that true healing and empowerment start from within. It wasn't just about external changes or quick fixes; it was about rewiring how I viewed and treated myself. It meant acknowledging that my well-being was not an afterthought but a priority. This mindset shift was the beacon of light that guided me out of the darkness and towards a brighter, more fulfilling life.

In the end, it was the inner transformation and the conscious choice to place myself at the center of my life that made all the difference. It was about finding a balance that allowed me to care for others without losing myself in the process. 

Key Takeaways

From my personal experience, I want to leave you with some key takeaways:

• Prioritize the basics: Start simple, like eating well, getting adequate sleep, and regular exercise. These are the building blocks of holistic well-being. Simple things may feel difficult. If that’s the case, break things down into more manageable parts to avoid decision fatigue, stick to a consistent exercise schedule, and find an accountability partner for extra help sticking to your plan.

• Set boundaries: To set a boundary, you must know your boundaries. Journal on this, ponder what’s important to you and how you want to be in the world. Once you’re clear on your boundaries, communicate them with kindness. For some reciprocity, consider inviting in what the other person’s boundaries might be so you can be on the same page and build trust with important people in your life.

• Seek support: Don't be afraid to reach out to holistic practitioners who can guide you on your journey. They can support valuable insights about your understanding of and accountability to yourself.

• Put yourself first: Shifting your priorities to put yourself first is a necessary step in your journey toward self-discovery, love, and care. Remember, it's not selfish; it's self-preservation.

In conclusion, my journey toward putting my needs ahead of others has been a transformative experience. It all began with removing myself from my trigger, prioritizing the basics, and seeking support from loved ones and health practitioners.

I've come to understand that prioritizing myself is a powerful act, one that has allowed me to shine brighter and, in turn, positively impact those around me.

Your well-being deserves the same priority – this journey is worth embarking upon, for it can lead to a brighter, more balanced, and fulfilling life.